By Dave MacPherson

1) If you think that Antichrist is the sister of somebody's mother.

(2) If "posttrib" to you is the time after the Chicago Tribune arrives.

(3) If you guess that LaHaye is something that's made while LaSun is shining.

(4) If you're sure that Plymouth Brethren would excommunicate anyone driving a Ford or Chevy.

(5) If you don't believe that Thomas Ice is a substance that can slow down and freeze a thinking brain.

(6) If you think someone is stuttering if he says "666."

(7) If "partial rapture" is what you say you feel when your denture fits.

(8) If you think Grant Jeffrey doesn't go way back in time.

(9) If you assume that the Early Fathers were folks who were never late to meetings.

(10) If you reckon that the apocalypse are part of the dragon's mouth.

(11) If you imagine that Scofield's notes are never flat.

(12) If you think that R-A-P-T-U-R-E is the way to spell "relief."

(13) If you're sure that the King James Translation was when King James was raptured away.

(14) If you don't believe that Hal Lindsey wanted a rapture view that he could bank on.

(15) If you don't know that a "fig"ment of someone's imagination can cause "date"-setting.

(16) If you can't admit that Dallas The-Illogical Seminary was long famous for Walvoord-to-Walvoord carpeting.

(17) If you conclude that "The Rapture Plot" is where the pretrib rapture will be buried.

(18) If you think that an amill is someone who says "Ah!" whenever mill discussion is proposed.

(19) If you don't know that Margaret Macdonald's partial rapturism had
her saying: "SOME of the saints know they'll be in heaven when the rapture happens because they aren't all here!"

(20) But even a rapture redneck knows that just because some don't want to be left doesn't mean they're right!

Incidentally, Cyrus Redneck has just come up with the very best argument for pretribulationism. He says that the letters in "rapture" can be found in "pretribulationism" but not in "posttribulationism," "midtribulationism," or "partial rapturism"!